Resolutions? Not such a Good Idea.

My nephew recently asked on Facebook if people had any New Year resolutions. I wrote back that for one, I wanted to lose five pounds. I also said that’s always been one of my resolutions for the past 40 years. No matter what my weight is, I always want to lose five pounds. This says many things about me, none of which interest me at all. It was a joke anyway.

When I taught middle schoolers, I’d have them write five goals at the beginning of the school year and at the beginning of the new semester. I had my own kids do it too. The list wasn’t buried—it was accessible so you could glance at it every now and then. It was amazing how stating your intentions could make them come about.

I think goals shouldn’t be too lofty and they should be attainable. For example, “I will eliminate the problem of garbage” just doesn’t work for me. “I will have a recycle can in my kitchen and will recycle bottIes, cans, and paper,”—now that’s what I’m talking about. It’s a practical plan. It’s what I can do to help change the world, one person at a time. “I will lose five pounds” obviously doesn’t work for me, either. And at my age when you lose weight, your skin sags like crepe paper decorations kept up too long. Instead my goal is to eat healthily. “I will eliminate as many processed foods from my diet as possible, including Oreos, Starbucks coffee cake and Hagen Das ice cream bars” is specific and should help me healthwise. (You notice nothing was stated about wine and Martinis.)

I’m thinking of adopting or adapting Chef Angela’s idea of a yearly bucket list. She already posted her 2014 Bucket List on Facebook. (Now, that’s really putting yourself on the line—other people will know if you don’t attain an item. I don’t have that courage.) A Bucket List sounds so much more positive than a New Year’s Resolutions list. It’s a looking forward instead of back, and it can include dreams too.

One thing I have on my list I will share: “Every day, name five things I am grateful for.” I have been doing this for many years now and it’s a life changer. Every night when I lay down my sleepy head, I name five things I’m grateful for on that day. One night, the list included “I’m grateful that the toilet only overflowed once.”—it was that kind of day. But slowly, my attitude towards life changed. I stopped looking for what I didn’t have and became grateful for what I did. I’m a much happier person.

One of the things I’m grateful for is you—the people I connect with through the blog and through Facebook. You make me a much happier person too! Happy and Healthy New Year to each and everyone.

A Christmas Gift

Only three of us showed up to my yoga class today so we downward-dogged and chatted a bit, too. Pat, the instructor was talking about a great new consignment store. “I have these Dooney and Burke purses that were my mom’s. They’re really nice, but I don’t think I’ll ever use them. I’m thinking of taking them into the store,” she said. “I hate to give them up because they were my mom’s, but you know, we need to clean out our stuff.”

“ I have John’s things all over the house,” a woman who had lost her son a little over a year ago said. “I’m not giving them up.”

“I can understand that,” Pat said. “You don’t have to.”

“I even have a whole area that’s kind of a memorial to him, “ the woman said. She might have even said, “shrine,” I can’t remember now. “I have pictures of him and candles.”

There was a small silence. “That’s nice,” Pat said. “It must make you feel good to see him everyday.”

“I’m not sure if it makes it harder,” the woman said.

Because we were inverted, I couldn’t see anyone’s faces to see their expression. Little emotion was coming through the voices.

“And we have his ashes, of course,” the woman said.

“Are they in an urn?” Pat asked.

“Oh, a big beautiful urn,” the woman said.

I morphed the image in my head of a small urn to a large one.

“That’s great,” Pat said, her tone now ultra cheery. “You can say hello to him every day.”

There was another silence, then the woman said, “Well, I just moved the altar near the urn downstairs.”

“Oh? Why?” Pat asked.

“Well, it’s almost Christmas and I need to have room for the decorations. My grandchildren will want the decorations,” the woman said.

Later as I drove home, I replayed the conversation in my head. As I said, all this was being discussed in such bland tones, but underneath we’d all felt the profound sense of loss. Hard to lose your mother—horrible to lose your son.

I’d been worried about this kind, upstanding woman—how she was going to withstand her son’s death. How she was going to keeping going?

But now I could see that Christmas and the grandchildren were going to be the saving graces. She was ready to move on for the next generation. And she could begin to heal.

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate. Happy New Year to all.

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Wading In

                                               

 

I did something today I haven’t done since I was a little girl.

My parents both worked when I was little so we had to have someone take care of us during the summer. We lived near Volunteer Park in Seattle so Allie Mae would walk us there around noon every day. The Park had to be at least a mile away and we had to climb steep steps up to 15th, but we never complained. Even my little sister who was six at the most.

 We’d spread out a blanket and have lunch (tuna sandwiches and potato chips) in the park on a great green lawn in front of the Art Museum. Sometimes Allie Mae would take us to the playground. Someone Mother knew had gotten polio in a public pool so we were forbidden to go into the wading pool. One very hot day, Allie Mae relented and allowed us to put our feet in. We were content for 5 minutes, but then we looked at all the kids splashing and kicking and screaming with glee. So we waded in a little deeper…and then a little deeper. Soon our pedal pushers were wet to the thighs. Allie Mae scolded us all the way home.

There was no one to scold me today as I walked along the beach. I didn’t really intend to get my feet wet. The sand clings to your skin and it seems a lot of effort to get it off. Then a wave rolled in right over my toes. Then I found a piece of coral that was magenta and green so I had to go a little deeper to see if there were any more treasures. Then a big wave came in and once more, I was wet to my thighs.

I’m sitting here writing this with sand between my toes and a grin on my face.

 

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Goodbye, Mr. Mandela, We Will Miss You

It is a sad day. It is a day I didn’t want to come. I wanted Nelson Mandela to live forever.

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I became familiar with him and his anti-apartheid struggles when I taught in the 1980’s. As a geography teacher, I taught some about latitude and longitude, but it was always the people (and the foods) that I emphasized.  In 1987, the movie, MANDELA, was broadcast on television. Starring Danny Glover as Mandela, it was great! I taped it and showed it to my classes when we studied South Africa. From then on, Mandela was my hero.

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When he was released from prison after 27 years, I was cheered. When apartheid was dismantled, I was heartened. When he became the country’s first black president, I was amazed. When he showed such integrity and forgiveness to the whites who had harmed him and his fellow people, I learned that goodness and power could reside in one person. He not only spoke of peace and equality, he put his words into action.

President Barack Obama spoke about this today: “We’ve lost one of the most influential, courageous and profoundly good human beings that any of us will share time with,” Obama said. “He no longer belongs to us, he belongs to the ages … His commitment to transfer power and reconcile with those who jailed him set an example that all humanity should aspire to.”

 

I knew that it was time for Mandela to make his final journey. He was ill and tired. A 45-year-old South African housewife expressed my emotions exactly.”I have mixed feelings. I am happy that he is resting but I am also sad to see him go,” Molebogeng Ntheledi was quoted as saying.

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Goodbye, Mr. Mandela. May you rest in peace. May the lessons you taught the world never be forgotten.

On Britannia, For All of Us

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I don’t know about you, but this picture makes me feel so happy. I unabashedly love the royal family. I watched the Diamond Jubilee river cruise three times. I didn’t intend to, but it kept running while I was doing work around the house. Even on the third time, I found myself standing in front of the flat screen, watching with increasing unease as the Queen and Prince Philip stood in the chilly downpour on the royal barge ‘Spirit of Chartwell’. It didn’t seem a wise thing for senior citizens, be they royal or not, to be doing. But they carried on!

Being an English Major, I’ve always been somewhat of an Anglophile. I love all things English—well, most things. Of course, I want to picture England as it was, not as it is today. When I visit London, I go to see the old landmarks. The Eye is fine and some of the new architecture is quite lovely (I’m getting more Anglophiled as I write), but give me the Parliament Buildings and Buckingham Palace any day.

I think the adherence to tradition, even in clothing, is some of what I especially like about the photo. The Queen’s outfit—matching coat and hat, gloves and the proper purse by her side—is so outmoded, but it’s what we expect from her. And she delivers. Prince Charles and Prince William wear conservative suits, and the baby? He was dressed in an elaborate christening gown, which is a replica of the gown designed in 1841 that was now deemed too fragile to wear. No Burberry there. Tradition trumped everything else. It gives one a sense of stability, doesn’t it?

A few years ago, my husband and I had an overnight transfer in London. We stayed at Heathrow, but took the Tube into London for dinner and a walk. That was an education. It’s about an hour trip and we were above ground for quite a lot of it. We got to see the different ethnic neighborhoods as we went. As people got on and off, we saw a parade of the different cultures that make up England today. We were about the only people of no colour in our car. As I covertly watched an Islamic looking father with his two children, I caught someone else staring at us. Truthfully, we were the real oddity in the passengers.

When we got off the Tube, we weren’t sure which way to head.

“Let’s go to Fortnum and Mason to have tea,” my husband suggested.

“Brilliant,” I said and followed him to Piccadilly.

 

 

Lunch with Judy Blume

Last year after Hurricane Sandy, there was a fundraiser for the survivors. My daughter, Jennifer, was telling me you could bid on having lunch with people like Andy Cohen and Joan Rivers. Nice, I thought, but not for me.

Then she said, “Or Judy Blume or…”

“Now, Judy Blume, that would be interesting,” I said.

(I’d always admired her work, and as a writer, myself, I thought it would be great to get to talk with her. When our son, Dave, was in fifth grade, he was not much of a reader. But he was obsessed with getting a copy of Super Fudge. It was sold out, but finally I managed to get him a copy for Hanukah. He read it all day. So I decided I had to find out what all the fanfare was about. I read it in one sitting. I loved it so much that I wrote Judy Blume a fan letter. (I don’t do fan letters!) She was so gracious that she wrote me back! I have been a Super Fan ever since.)

Jen and her husband, Jim, got together with our son, Dave, and his wife, Gina, and bid on the lunch. I never thought another thing about it. On my birthday, I opened my card. We happened to be in New Zealand with our friends, Eva and Earl Shulman. Eva had met with Jen before they left Seattle and brought me the card and gift certificate for lunch with Judy Blume.  I was excited!

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Now, 9 months later, it’s happening next week. I’ll let you know how it goes. Stay tuned.

 

 

 

 

Martin Luther King’s Dream Legacy

Some people have questioned my political leanings. Why, they ask, are you so liberal?

Actually, I don’t think of myself as a liberal. Certainly, I can see eye-to-eye with fiscal conservatives. But I was raised to believe that all people are created equal. I’m not talking specifics here—Little Johnny may have more brains than Little Spencer. Little Clarissa may have been born to a wealthy family and have advantages over Little Joanie. No, what I am looking at is the forest here—or the species, really. What I am saying is that though our skin color may be different or our religion or our ethnicity or sexual orientation—underneath it all, we are human beings. We are the same.

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It’s been fifty years since Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I have a dream” speech. My classmates and I were privileged to hear him speak before then. In November, 1961, at the invitation of our principal, Frank Hanawalt, Martin Luther King Jr. came to Garfield High School to speak. He also spoke at my temple, Temple De Hirsch Sinai. Many of my contemporaries heard him there. He spoke of brotherhood and kinship and equality for all. He made us realize we could do something to create change.

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From that time on, I had a dream that all children would be treated equally no matter their race, religion, or ethnicity. It was so apparent to me that people are people—some are good and some are bad. Some are smart and some are stupid. But I could also see that the economic and social divide of America was of Grand Canyon proportions. If you came from a disadvantaged background, it could make all the difference to getting ahead. I felt education was a key to getting people out of the ghetto.

I began teaching at Meany Junior High in 1967. I wanted to work within the system rather than outside of it. (I ‘d become a civil rights activist in my own way since college. Once, George Lincoln Rockwell, the Nazi bigot, came to speak at the University of Washington. Many of us were outraged. When they wouldn’t cancel the speech, we attended, sitting Caucasian, African American, Caucasian, African American throughout the auditorium.)

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At Meany, located in Seattle’s inner city, I became a civil rights advocate in my classroom. Someday, I thought, if these kids were encouraged and given the chance to learn, they could go anywhere—why they could even become president!

The President of the United States.

The President of the United States.

When I quit teaching to raise my family, I brought the ideal of equality into our household. For starters, I put a poster of a white baby sitting next to a black baby, by my children’s crib. I am proud to say that my children and their children do not disappoint me. In reality, babies are color blind. You have to be taught to fear and hate. My daughter just sent me this photo. Our granddaughter, who is 18 months, had settled two of her dolls together for the night.

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I think it is inconceivable to my children and grandchildren. that African Americans had to sit in different parts of a bus or drink at different fountains. It was to me, too. I remember going to a high school convention that was held in Houston. When I mentioned that my school was integrated, other delegates couldn’t believe me.

“So, they go to your school, but they have different classrooms,” one girl said.

“No, of course not,” I said.

“Really? Well, they sit on the other side of the room, then,” another girl said.

I shook my head. “Nope, we all sit together.”

They were astounded.

I wish I’d known then that Jimi Hendrix was going to be famous because I could have bragged that he sat next to me in Sophomore English.

 

“KEY WEST, Fla. — U.S. endurance swimmer Diana Nyad told supporters on a Key West beach that they should never ever give up. Nyad made the comment Monday shortly after she became the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida

“KEY WEST, Fla. — U.S. endurance swimmer Diana Nyad told supporters on a Key West beach that they should never ever give up. Nyad made the comment Monday shortly after she became the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida without the help of a shark cage.” NYTimes, com news alert.

Diana Nyad is 64 years old. This was her fifth try in 35 years. How inspiring is that!

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In some “women’s magazines”, once you’re 60, you do not exist. Or you’re so invisible you might as well be dead and buried. Yay for a babyboomer who let the world know we’re still here. We’re still vital. We’re still setting records.

And BTW, we keep on truckin’.

Writing Do’s and Don’ts: Beware of Dead Ends

Endings Can be Tricky

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Everyone always emphasizes how important the beginning of a story is—you need to catch the editor’s eye and the reader’s interest. This is true, but endings are vital to the integrity of a story.

This becomes apparent when the ending just doesn’t satisfy. Some endings seem rushed as if the writer had a deadline and just threw together something that would be okay. Other endings may feel too wide open—that the author copped out of creating a conclusion. Or others just don’t seem to fit—you feel the author should have left well enough alone and ended it before.

This last is true of the novel, The Light Between Oceans. The book, excellent by the way, has a lyrical, other-world feel. I felt it should have ended at chapter 36, but author M.L. Stedman writes a wrap-up chapter that is unnecessary. Worse, it takes away from the whole narrative.

 

Which way to go?

Which way to go?

DO know that endings are super important. When I wrote for newspapers and magazines, I knew my last paragraphs could be cut if there wasn’t enough space. Accordingly, my last paragraphs were written to be expendable. Fiction or Essay are a different story. There is a significant build up from Beginning and Middle to End. While I was never upset when the editor cut an article, I would have been if she took the end off of one of my humor pieces. Often, the end was the whole point. The only time I have had the last paragraph deleted from a short story was when my “Her Father’s Daughter” was published. That time I was upset because the story turned on the last line.

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DON’T listen to advice about the end of your work unless it makes sense to you. When I finished The Light Between Oceans, I had this feeling that Stedman’s critique group told her she should explain more of what happened. So she wrote a final chapter, but it didn’t grow out of the narrative thread. Sometimes when I finish a story and my husband reads it, he’ll say, “But this isn’t done. What happens?” I do favor open endings, but sometimes I’ll add more for him. This worked well in the “Anniversary Waltz” short story, perhaps because the main character is a lot like my husband.

 

Don't get sidetracked.

Don’t get sidetracked.

Writing Aerobic: At the end of …

Sitting back and Letting the World Go By

I haven’t written anything for a while. I’ve been on a staycation, even in my brain. The Urban Dictionary defines this perfectly: A vacation that is spent at one’s home enjoying all that home and one’s home environs have to offer. With no thoughts attached.

Welcome to our home.

Welcome to our home.

This is exactly what we’ve been doing and it’s been so FUN that I am happy all day long—well, mostly. There are always little glitches like the two smoke detectors going off and the freezer breaking and the car battery dying. But we handled everything with aplomb. We had the time to do it.

We’ve been on the peripatetic merry-go-round of the babyboomers—traveling to distant places before we need walkers to tour, and also visiting our two children and families—one in Chicago and one in Seattle. This has left us little time to be at home.

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Thank God for cell phones. At least people can reach us almost anywhere. Usually the person starts the conversation with: “Where are you? I never know where you are.” My usual response is: “Me, either. Let me check.”

My husband likes this kind of rolling stone lifestyle. I’m much more a homebody. I like to putter around the house instead of far-flung golf links. I like to be around to grow vegetables and flowers. I like to do the laundry at 10:00 in the morning instead of at 10:00 at night. I like to go to the grocery store and buy green bananas, knowing I will be around to see them ripen. I’m just funny that way.

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I have been somewhat of a Pollyanna these last few weeks. I leap out of bed, excited about my day, everyday. It may be an early morning walk before I hit the grocery store, then unpacking the groceries while watching The View and putting through a load of laundry. Or the day could be getting to The Do-It center to buy 40-watt light bulbs and plant food, then working in the yard. Or it could be cleaning out the garage, Goo Offing some labels  or checking my Facebook Page before midnight.  I even fit in the Nordstrom sale this year. All of it has made me equally happy.

One day last week we drove down to Malibu—we hadn’t done that in years. We took the 66 Mercedes convertible that had been my father-in-law’s. My husband has had restored inside and out—it’s got Sirius radio and a corvette engine. I think my husband was in HEAVEN as he took the S-turns down 23 towards the ocean. (I wished I had taken a Dramamine). Once down on PCH, we went exploring. We ended up at Nobu, early enough to get a table for lunch. The Pacific waves hit the rocks right at the restaurant’s edge, while pelicans coast on the wind currents in front of you until they plunge straight down into the water for their prey.

“This place is really busy,” my husband said, looking around.

“It is probably one of the most chichi restaurants in the…” I paused to think and for effect. “…in the world!” I finished.

He looked around again. “It’s a great location,” he said. Chichi means less to him than a Chi chi.

When we came out to the parking lot after lunch, his old classic was parked near the Bentleys and Ferraris—that impressed him. It made his day…perfect.

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This week LIFE is cranking up again. Appointments made must be kept. But I’m ready. I’ve replenished and recharged. What a wonderful invention staycations are.