Category Archives: Searching for Wisdom

personal growth stories

Where’s A Stop Watch?

Time is flying by so fast that I do believe the earth is spinning faster. Often I feel I can’t keep up. A definitive measure of this phenomenon is not only that I am now married to a man in his seventies, but that our children and grandchildren are getting so old, too.

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My daughter-in-law recently turned 45. That’s about the age I was when I met her! We’d moved to California and I know I felt old, then—I wore bifocals and dowdy clothes. My children were both in college and my parents were getting older. I was in the middle of the sandwich generation and I juggled many people’s needs in my air. I also thought I knew it all. I thought I could control what happened in our family and that I had the wisdom and right to do it.. Boy, did I have a lot to learn.

Zoom! Twenty years have gone by. My parents and all my aunts and uncles are gone. My brother and sister are fine, though we all have our issues, but many friends have passed on and many are sick. Just this year has taken a heavy toll. No wonder Medicare is paying for a lot of anti-depressants.

One of the delights of our lives is our grandchildren. They brighten our days and keep us off of Prozac. Each is different and endearing in his or her own way. I keep trying to lasso time, trying to get it to slow down, but no way. I remember playing Little Red Riding Hood with Quinn when she was three. We played in our front yard and she had many roles as well as being the director. I remember thinking that I better hold onto this moment because it would soon pass—she’d be too old to play this sort of game.

A year later, she announced that she was four-and-a half.

“Slow down, “ I said.

She looked at me with all the wisdom in the world, and as if I were silly. “I can’t,” she said.

Now she’ll be twelve in June. Costco had nude lip glosses for sale and I bought them for her, asking her mother’s permission first. Yesterday I took her shopping at the Mall. She was looking for shoes for Cotillion. “I can get a little heel,” she confided, her eyes shining.

She was dressed in a skirt with tights, two camisoles and Converse tennis shoes. Her long hair was in a braided pony tail. She looked like a dancer and moved like one too. Definitely not a four-year-old anymore.

We stopped in a store called Papaya—a teenager store—and we bought her a t-shirt.

“Where do you want to go next?” I asked.

She tilted her head, thinking. “How about Build-A-Bear?

“Really?” I asked.

She nodded. “I could make a Ballet Bear and put her on my bed.”

So that’s where we went. The cool pre-teen faded away as Quinn went through the store and created Tondue.

That, I knew, was a moment to be treasured. That afternoon she was EveryGirl on the cusp of womanhood, still a child for a short while longer.

We left the store with her carrying the Build-a-Bear box in one hand, her Papaya bag in the other.

 

In Yoga Class

I arrived at yoga class feeling edgy. I’d walked there along the path, which bordered the ocean. The waters were usually calm, but yesterday the waves churned blackened seawater. I’d passed a bulldozer moving sand as it built up a berm on the beach. Clearly there were preparations underway to protect the shoreline.

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But the approaching storm was only a parallel to my internal turmoil. I’d been talking on my phone as I walked. I should have been a better listener, but instead my own feelings about the situation we were discussing had leaked out. Instead of being a help, I’d piled onto the agitation.

I couldn’t settle to the class. Usually I can attune myself rapidly but not yesterday. I went through the motions but I wasn’t really there. When one of the women pointed out a rainbow on the horizon, I couldn’t even see it. As the minutes passed, I played the conversation over and over in my head, wishing I’d not spoken off the top of my head.

Finally, I began to calm and my senses took over. At about the same time, the rainbow became more visible, and began to spread across the ocean. Usually I get a sensory Ping with these marvels of nature. I searched my mind for a meaning behind the vibrant arc of colors, but I felt nothing. Then I saw a whale breach, its body totally out of the water.

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The awesome sight of the huge mammal doing what it’s natural for it to do gave me insight into my own heart. I didn’t have to delve too far into the metaphor file to gain some understanding that I’m but a grain of sand on this planet. My perspective returned as I witnessed the on-going and powerful forces of Nature. And I saw being played out in front of me, the reminder that no matter how much we humans think we control what is around us, we’re mistaken. We can prepare ourselves, yet the best laid plans often go awry.

As I walked back home, the skies opened and I was drenched before I reached my walkway. With my perspective still in tact, I didn’t fret. I knew that this is what can happen even in a well ordered life. And I knew shelter was close— I’d be dry and warm before too long.

Today dawned sunny and calm, but the aftermath of the storm lingers. Huge waves are pounding the shore. More preparations have been made to limit the possible destructive force. Sandbags are stored on the walkway, ready to use if necessary. That is what we human beings do. We get ready and we do our best.

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ADD on Steroids

 

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This is so me. Except I stay up late to get as much as I can done. There’s always something more to do. Like last night.

We’re living near Kona this winter and it’s not like you can just walk into Nordstrom and find a men’s robe. First of all, there is no Nordstrom. Second of all, there’s not that much need for cuddly, terry cloth robes. We even tried to find one at Target but no dice. So I said, “I’ll order you one on line, honey.”

Our ride home was so eventful, (my husband was pulled over for going 61 in a 45. The officer asked if we were in a hurry. I started to explain that we’d been behind a truck going 40 in a 55 and after the truck moved to the right when the road widened, we naturally picked up speed, not realizing it was now a 45. The officer’s eyes glazed over and he gave my husband a pitying look and a warning.)

Anyway, when we got home, the electrician, dishwasher repairman, home association landscape workers and even the condo window washers were parading through the house and outdoors.

At 2:00 PM our time, I found a vacant place on our lanai and hooked into my first Webinar, a memoir seminar put on by the National League of American Pen Women. The speaker was Janis Kearney, Clinton’s diarist. It was 7:00 PM on the East Coast. I was blown away by the technology. I even asked a question. After, since the dishwasher was finally working, I put away the clean dishes.

I got so busy that I completely forgot about the robe. Until midnight. I went on Amazon and voila, there was a robe. It’s supposed to come January 16. We will see.

 

 

 

 

Resolutions? Not such a Good Idea.

My nephew recently asked on Facebook if people had any New Year resolutions. I wrote back that for one, I wanted to lose five pounds. I also said that’s always been one of my resolutions for the past 40 years. No matter what my weight is, I always want to lose five pounds. This says many things about me, none of which interest me at all. It was a joke anyway.

When I taught middle schoolers, I’d have them write five goals at the beginning of the school year and at the beginning of the new semester. I had my own kids do it too. The list wasn’t buried—it was accessible so you could glance at it every now and then. It was amazing how stating your intentions could make them come about.

I think goals shouldn’t be too lofty and they should be attainable. For example, “I will eliminate the problem of garbage” just doesn’t work for me. “I will have a recycle can in my kitchen and will recycle bottIes, cans, and paper,”—now that’s what I’m talking about. It’s a practical plan. It’s what I can do to help change the world, one person at a time. “I will lose five pounds” obviously doesn’t work for me, either. And at my age when you lose weight, your skin sags like crepe paper decorations kept up too long. Instead my goal is to eat healthily. “I will eliminate as many processed foods from my diet as possible, including Oreos, Starbucks coffee cake and Hagen Das ice cream bars” is specific and should help me healthwise. (You notice nothing was stated about wine and Martinis.)

I’m thinking of adopting or adapting Chef Angela’s idea of a yearly bucket list. She already posted her 2014 Bucket List on Facebook. (Now, that’s really putting yourself on the line—other people will know if you don’t attain an item. I don’t have that courage.) A Bucket List sounds so much more positive than a New Year’s Resolutions list. It’s a looking forward instead of back, and it can include dreams too.

One thing I have on my list I will share: “Every day, name five things I am grateful for.” I have been doing this for many years now and it’s a life changer. Every night when I lay down my sleepy head, I name five things I’m grateful for on that day. One night, the list included “I’m grateful that the toilet only overflowed once.”—it was that kind of day. But slowly, my attitude towards life changed. I stopped looking for what I didn’t have and became grateful for what I did. I’m a much happier person.

One of the things I’m grateful for is you—the people I connect with through the blog and through Facebook. You make me a much happier person too! Happy and Healthy New Year to each and everyone.

A Christmas Gift

Only three of us showed up to my yoga class today so we downward-dogged and chatted a bit, too. Pat, the instructor was talking about a great new consignment store. “I have these Dooney and Burke purses that were my mom’s. They’re really nice, but I don’t think I’ll ever use them. I’m thinking of taking them into the store,” she said. “I hate to give them up because they were my mom’s, but you know, we need to clean out our stuff.”

“ I have John’s things all over the house,” a woman who had lost her son a little over a year ago said. “I’m not giving them up.”

“I can understand that,” Pat said. “You don’t have to.”

“I even have a whole area that’s kind of a memorial to him, “ the woman said. She might have even said, “shrine,” I can’t remember now. “I have pictures of him and candles.”

There was a small silence. “That’s nice,” Pat said. “It must make you feel good to see him everyday.”

“I’m not sure if it makes it harder,” the woman said.

Because we were inverted, I couldn’t see anyone’s faces to see their expression. Little emotion was coming through the voices.

“And we have his ashes, of course,” the woman said.

“Are they in an urn?” Pat asked.

“Oh, a big beautiful urn,” the woman said.

I morphed the image in my head of a small urn to a large one.

“That’s great,” Pat said, her tone now ultra cheery. “You can say hello to him every day.”

There was another silence, then the woman said, “Well, I just moved the altar near the urn downstairs.”

“Oh? Why?” Pat asked.

“Well, it’s almost Christmas and I need to have room for the decorations. My grandchildren will want the decorations,” the woman said.

Later as I drove home, I replayed the conversation in my head. As I said, all this was being discussed in such bland tones, but underneath we’d all felt the profound sense of loss. Hard to lose your mother—horrible to lose your son.

I’d been worried about this kind, upstanding woman—how she was going to withstand her son’s death. How she was going to keeping going?

But now I could see that Christmas and the grandchildren were going to be the saving graces. She was ready to move on for the next generation. And she could begin to heal.

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate. Happy New Year to all.

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Goodbye, Mr. Mandela, We Will Miss You

It is a sad day. It is a day I didn’t want to come. I wanted Nelson Mandela to live forever.

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I became familiar with him and his anti-apartheid struggles when I taught in the 1980’s. As a geography teacher, I taught some about latitude and longitude, but it was always the people (and the foods) that I emphasized.  In 1987, the movie, MANDELA, was broadcast on television. Starring Danny Glover as Mandela, it was great! I taped it and showed it to my classes when we studied South Africa. From then on, Mandela was my hero.

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When he was released from prison after 27 years, I was cheered. When apartheid was dismantled, I was heartened. When he became the country’s first black president, I was amazed. When he showed such integrity and forgiveness to the whites who had harmed him and his fellow people, I learned that goodness and power could reside in one person. He not only spoke of peace and equality, he put his words into action.

President Barack Obama spoke about this today: “We’ve lost one of the most influential, courageous and profoundly good human beings that any of us will share time with,” Obama said. “He no longer belongs to us, he belongs to the ages … His commitment to transfer power and reconcile with those who jailed him set an example that all humanity should aspire to.”

 

I knew that it was time for Mandela to make his final journey. He was ill and tired. A 45-year-old South African housewife expressed my emotions exactly.”I have mixed feelings. I am happy that he is resting but I am also sad to see him go,” Molebogeng Ntheledi was quoted as saying.

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Goodbye, Mr. Mandela. May you rest in peace. May the lessons you taught the world never be forgotten.

On Britannia, For All of Us

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I don’t know about you, but this picture makes me feel so happy. I unabashedly love the royal family. I watched the Diamond Jubilee river cruise three times. I didn’t intend to, but it kept running while I was doing work around the house. Even on the third time, I found myself standing in front of the flat screen, watching with increasing unease as the Queen and Prince Philip stood in the chilly downpour on the royal barge ‘Spirit of Chartwell’. It didn’t seem a wise thing for senior citizens, be they royal or not, to be doing. But they carried on!

Being an English Major, I’ve always been somewhat of an Anglophile. I love all things English—well, most things. Of course, I want to picture England as it was, not as it is today. When I visit London, I go to see the old landmarks. The Eye is fine and some of the new architecture is quite lovely (I’m getting more Anglophiled as I write), but give me the Parliament Buildings and Buckingham Palace any day.

I think the adherence to tradition, even in clothing, is some of what I especially like about the photo. The Queen’s outfit—matching coat and hat, gloves and the proper purse by her side—is so outmoded, but it’s what we expect from her. And she delivers. Prince Charles and Prince William wear conservative suits, and the baby? He was dressed in an elaborate christening gown, which is a replica of the gown designed in 1841 that was now deemed too fragile to wear. No Burberry there. Tradition trumped everything else. It gives one a sense of stability, doesn’t it?

A few years ago, my husband and I had an overnight transfer in London. We stayed at Heathrow, but took the Tube into London for dinner and a walk. That was an education. It’s about an hour trip and we were above ground for quite a lot of it. We got to see the different ethnic neighborhoods as we went. As people got on and off, we saw a parade of the different cultures that make up England today. We were about the only people of no colour in our car. As I covertly watched an Islamic looking father with his two children, I caught someone else staring at us. Truthfully, we were the real oddity in the passengers.

When we got off the Tube, we weren’t sure which way to head.

“Let’s go to Fortnum and Mason to have tea,” my husband suggested.

“Brilliant,” I said and followed him to Piccadilly.

 

 

Martin Luther King’s Dream Legacy

Some people have questioned my political leanings. Why, they ask, are you so liberal?

Actually, I don’t think of myself as a liberal. Certainly, I can see eye-to-eye with fiscal conservatives. But I was raised to believe that all people are created equal. I’m not talking specifics here—Little Johnny may have more brains than Little Spencer. Little Clarissa may have been born to a wealthy family and have advantages over Little Joanie. No, what I am looking at is the forest here—or the species, really. What I am saying is that though our skin color may be different or our religion or our ethnicity or sexual orientation—underneath it all, we are human beings. We are the same.

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It’s been fifty years since Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I have a dream” speech. My classmates and I were privileged to hear him speak before then. In November, 1961, at the invitation of our principal, Frank Hanawalt, Martin Luther King Jr. came to Garfield High School to speak. He also spoke at my temple, Temple De Hirsch Sinai. Many of my contemporaries heard him there. He spoke of brotherhood and kinship and equality for all. He made us realize we could do something to create change.

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From that time on, I had a dream that all children would be treated equally no matter their race, religion, or ethnicity. It was so apparent to me that people are people—some are good and some are bad. Some are smart and some are stupid. But I could also see that the economic and social divide of America was of Grand Canyon proportions. If you came from a disadvantaged background, it could make all the difference to getting ahead. I felt education was a key to getting people out of the ghetto.

I began teaching at Meany Junior High in 1967. I wanted to work within the system rather than outside of it. (I ‘d become a civil rights activist in my own way since college. Once, George Lincoln Rockwell, the Nazi bigot, came to speak at the University of Washington. Many of us were outraged. When they wouldn’t cancel the speech, we attended, sitting Caucasian, African American, Caucasian, African American throughout the auditorium.)

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At Meany, located in Seattle’s inner city, I became a civil rights advocate in my classroom. Someday, I thought, if these kids were encouraged and given the chance to learn, they could go anywhere—why they could even become president!

The President of the United States.

The President of the United States.

When I quit teaching to raise my family, I brought the ideal of equality into our household. For starters, I put a poster of a white baby sitting next to a black baby, by my children’s crib. I am proud to say that my children and their children do not disappoint me. In reality, babies are color blind. You have to be taught to fear and hate. My daughter just sent me this photo. Our granddaughter, who is 18 months, had settled two of her dolls together for the night.

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I think it is inconceivable to my children and grandchildren. that African Americans had to sit in different parts of a bus or drink at different fountains. It was to me, too. I remember going to a high school convention that was held in Houston. When I mentioned that my school was integrated, other delegates couldn’t believe me.

“So, they go to your school, but they have different classrooms,” one girl said.

“No, of course not,” I said.

“Really? Well, they sit on the other side of the room, then,” another girl said.

I shook my head. “Nope, we all sit together.”

They were astounded.

I wish I’d known then that Jimi Hendrix was going to be famous because I could have bragged that he sat next to me in Sophomore English.

 

Sitting back and Letting the World Go By

I haven’t written anything for a while. I’ve been on a staycation, even in my brain. The Urban Dictionary defines this perfectly: A vacation that is spent at one’s home enjoying all that home and one’s home environs have to offer. With no thoughts attached.

Welcome to our home.

Welcome to our home.

This is exactly what we’ve been doing and it’s been so FUN that I am happy all day long—well, mostly. There are always little glitches like the two smoke detectors going off and the freezer breaking and the car battery dying. But we handled everything with aplomb. We had the time to do it.

We’ve been on the peripatetic merry-go-round of the babyboomers—traveling to distant places before we need walkers to tour, and also visiting our two children and families—one in Chicago and one in Seattle. This has left us little time to be at home.

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Thank God for cell phones. At least people can reach us almost anywhere. Usually the person starts the conversation with: “Where are you? I never know where you are.” My usual response is: “Me, either. Let me check.”

My husband likes this kind of rolling stone lifestyle. I’m much more a homebody. I like to putter around the house instead of far-flung golf links. I like to be around to grow vegetables and flowers. I like to do the laundry at 10:00 in the morning instead of at 10:00 at night. I like to go to the grocery store and buy green bananas, knowing I will be around to see them ripen. I’m just funny that way.

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I have been somewhat of a Pollyanna these last few weeks. I leap out of bed, excited about my day, everyday. It may be an early morning walk before I hit the grocery store, then unpacking the groceries while watching The View and putting through a load of laundry. Or the day could be getting to The Do-It center to buy 40-watt light bulbs and plant food, then working in the yard. Or it could be cleaning out the garage, Goo Offing some labels  or checking my Facebook Page before midnight.  I even fit in the Nordstrom sale this year. All of it has made me equally happy.

One day last week we drove down to Malibu—we hadn’t done that in years. We took the 66 Mercedes convertible that had been my father-in-law’s. My husband has had restored inside and out—it’s got Sirius radio and a corvette engine. I think my husband was in HEAVEN as he took the S-turns down 23 towards the ocean. (I wished I had taken a Dramamine). Once down on PCH, we went exploring. We ended up at Nobu, early enough to get a table for lunch. The Pacific waves hit the rocks right at the restaurant’s edge, while pelicans coast on the wind currents in front of you until they plunge straight down into the water for their prey.

“This place is really busy,” my husband said, looking around.

“It is probably one of the most chichi restaurants in the…” I paused to think and for effect. “…in the world!” I finished.

He looked around again. “It’s a great location,” he said. Chichi means less to him than a Chi chi.

When we came out to the parking lot after lunch, his old classic was parked near the Bentleys and Ferraris—that impressed him. It made his day…perfect.

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This week LIFE is cranking up again. Appointments made must be kept. But I’m ready. I’ve replenished and recharged. What a wonderful invention staycations are.

A Few Thoughts On Thinking Clearly

A Few Thoughts On Thinking Clearly.