A sense of foreboding accompanies me during the day and follows me into my dreams at night. It’s become so commonplace that it’s almost white noise now. What’s going to go wrong next? I wonder.
While I’m busy during the day, I’m actually fine. I drown out the dirge with the sonata of positive activity. I’ve always been a busy person and that attribute is saving me now. I can find more than enough to do each day. Then I stop thinking about the disaster our country and world has become.
I know that I am privileged. Our personal life is not a disaster. Although the shutdown caused us to lose almost half our income, we’re fine. Our kids are fine. Our grandkids are fine. We all have enough to eat and roofs over are heads. We have heat and air conditioning. So far, we’re healthy. But I can’t see my family or hold them or give my grandkids nice tickles back rubs.
Our family has become even closer since the Pandemic started. Though we’re far apart, the phone, FaceTime and texting keep us together. Just now, my granddaughter who’s at Vanderbilt texted me a photo of a tree changing color. I’m in Hawaii–a five hour time difference and thousands of miles away, but the communication is instant.
So I know I’m lucky.
I’ve actually cut off a normal part of my thinking. I usually like to analyze where I am in my life, where I’ve been, where I’m going. Not now. Maybe that’s why I haven’t written my blog for awhile. Because that’s what I explore in the blog: where am I? Maybe it’s better not to know. I can stay on the tight rope and keep going one step at a time. If I look back or forward, I lose my sense of balance.
Two days ago I woke up wondering what has gone wrong now. That’s what I think every morning. It’s not good to have the sense you’re on the train that’s going towards its wreck. But I had a gift that morning, which lifted the feeling that the Grim Reaper was at my side.
As I was making my bed, I looked out the window. There must have been ten egrets roosting outside. Another ten were either on the rooftop or on my lanai. I sat on the rocking chair and watched them, my mood lifting as I did so. After awhile, I came to the computer and started writing.